My Higher Power is John Stamos
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
