Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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