I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
