Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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