Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
