I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
