I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
