i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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