Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
