I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
