I want to stick my p in your. b.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
