Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
