Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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