We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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