Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
