Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
