Can i not drive my cunt home
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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