she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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