Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
