you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
