I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
