i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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