and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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