I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
