my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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