and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
