So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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