Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
