I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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