why do cheetos always look like penises
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
