My sheets look like a crime scene.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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