I must be too annoying 4 u.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
