My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
