the condom got lost in my hair
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
