R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
