I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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