just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
