I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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