Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
