You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
