i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
