Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
