i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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