you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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