3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
