party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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