i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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