i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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