You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
