I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
