He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think a kid would responsible me up
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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