I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
