i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
