One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i wish my penis had a tongue
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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