i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
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She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.