She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
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I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
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I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.