I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
