Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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