Tell her she can't have a vagina
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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