hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
