i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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