Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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